Several years ago, I started being more authentic on the blog, and started sharing about life: unmasked, in which I share some of my struggles, questions, and failures. I may link up with other bloggers or I’ll just do it on my own. Either way, I feel it’s important to live and write unmasked
It’s been a long time since I’ve written a post like this. Until recently, it’s been a long time since I’ve written much of anything. As I started writing again and looking at which posts people are reading, I noticed someone clicked a link to a post I wrote for Single Roots four years ago.
Curious as to what four-years-younger me had to say, I read the post again.
The part that stood out the most was this:
Until we find our rest in Him, we won’t rest. We can be married. We can have solid Gospel-centered community. We can have a family. We can have all of these things and still feel that pull toward eternity, that longing for more.
Honestly, it stood out because it really was like someone else had written it.
Because God has given me an amazing wife and two precious little boys, a great church and home group to do life with, and yet I still felt myself yearning for more. Not in a sense of leaving my family or anything like that, but feeling like I just always come to the end of myself.
Every. Single. Day.
I kept coming to the end of myself because that’s what marriage and parenthood does. It pushes you past yourself. It stretches you and makes you grow differently than being single does. At least that’s been true for me.
More sacrifice. More patience. More grace. More repentance.
All on typically less sleep once kids are involved!
I kept pouring and pouring and coasting on the gospel I had built in me from years of studying and reading and writing while I was single. Then I looked in the mirror and wondered who I was, and who I was becoming. I read a letter I wrote to Calvin on the day he was born and just wept because it was full of gospel and magnifying God’s glory, and I wondered when the last time was that I even thought about God’s glory. I wondered what would become of my family and whether my sons would come to know Christ.
I coasted too long and started slowing down. And then I stopped.
Because the gospel isn’t something that’s been to be coasted on. It’s meant to be consumed daily like the air we breathe.