life: unmasked – on dependence

Life: UnmaskedA while back, I started being more authentic on the blog, and joined Joy, a writer I’ve come to know and respect, in sharing about life: unmasked, in which I share some of my struggles, questions, and failures. Well, Joy isn’t doing that today, but it’s the direction I felt led, so I’m doing it solo.

Over the past few weeks, as I’ve been writing more, I’ve come to realize that I’m really not that much of a writer. I say this, because I don’t really have any aspirations that most other writers have. I don’t have a concept for a book deal. I don’t feel like I have the ability to string words together in a powerfully poetic way. I can’t write fiction to save my life. I don’t even have ready-to-go topics for blogs. I say all of this knowing that I’ve written almost every day for a month, and written better than I wrote prior to this past month (I think).

So, why do I write? Because I am compelled to write. As I read Scripture, books, blogs, and spend time in prayer and worship, something compels me to write. I feel this compulsion to try to articulate the gospel and its implications and applications. I believe I feel this because God knows it is what I need most to make me look more like Him.

The reality is that I’m a wreck. My heart is so prone to wake up in the morning and not even give God a second thought. I’m smart, and I know it. Sometimes I’m borderline arrogant. If you don’t believe me, just re-read a couple sentences back. Because of this, it’s so easy for me to just go about life handling what comes my way without any regard for prayer or God’s will. So, God, in His love and grace, gives me just enough room to run but still be incredibly dependent on Him.

He’s done this the past ten years, and I’m just now seeing it. So, maybe I should retract the “I’m smart” statement. He’s given me just enough money to do what He wants me to do. He’s given me just enough free time to do what He wants me to do, and enough accountability to make sure I’m not still finding a way to wreck my life. I should probably add determined stubborn to my list of character traits.

I know, God is a God of abundance. But God is also a God who fiercely loves His people. God is also about making much of His glory through His people. As such, there are times when, for my own good, God keeps extra money from me so that it doesn’t become an idol. He keeps me busy long enough to make sure that my down time doesn’t become destructive in thoughts or actions.

And He even does it with writing. You see, even though I don’t consider myself a writer, I still like writing. Something I never thought I’d say in high school (My high school writing was just horrible. I hope my mom burns it. Please?). But maybe what was missing then was something worth writing about. Because it isn’t about the writing, it’s about the gospel. As much as I like writing, it isn’t about blog views or book deals. It’s about doing my best to proclaim Christ crucified in this space. If for nothing else, because I need to hear it.

While God’s being faithful to show me some reward and validation in the writing, He’s still making it to where I’m increasingly dependent on Him in the writing itself.

So, book deals may or may not come, and my blog views may or may not break 200 in a day. But God is keeping my heart from idolizing the talents He’s given me.

He’s keeping me dependent and focused on Him every step of the way.

And He is good.

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