…but I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because as of tomorrow, I will have one of my brothers in Germany, and the other brother in Egypt. My brother in Germany is a Marine, and is currently teaching the Georgian Army how to fight and actually win, and the other is going to Egypt to do a study abroad type thing. I’m very proud of both of them. My brother has been in the Marines for a while now, and it’s something that I wanted to do when I was younger, so I know the risks and emotions attached to it all, and normally am OK with it. And yet tonight, I can’t sleep for the life of me.
Tonight, all I can do is think about my brothers not being home. Several times over the past year, I have, for some idiotic reason, envisioned a black car pulling up to my house, with an Officer of the Corps getting out and walking toward the front door to offer his condolences for the loss of our Marine, and all I can think as tears swell in my eyes is, “I should have been there to protect him”. This usually only lasts an instant, because it tends to happen as I’m driving with the music off for a change, so I snap back to reality and turn on the music so I can focus on driving again.
And tonight, as I was praying for my brother who’s about to leave for Egypt, I not only prayed that God would keep him safe, but that God would give him the wisdom and courage to stand for Jesus if and when it came down to it, even…no, especially if it means embracing martyrdom. The whole time I’m praying this, I’m thinking to myself “I wonder if my friend from ROTC who’s stationed in Germany could find a way to keep an eye on him and keep him out of trouble…”
I realize that all of this may sound dark, and I assure you it isn’t what I think of most often. What concerns me is what it shows about my character. It not only reveals an absolute fear of losing my brothers, but my absolute idolatry concerning them. It shows that I view myself so highly that I think that if I were there I could protect them in spite of God’s plan, or that I can use my connections to somehow sidestep His will. Not only that, it shows that when it really comes down to it, I would rather have my brothers here, safe and sound, than for Christ to be exalted through trial and pain. I hear of stories of the disciples, specifically Andrew, who when confronted with crucifixion if he did not stop preaching Jesus responded with “Do you think I would have preached the glory and honor of the cross if I were ashamed of the death of the cross?” (paraphrased from what I remember of Fox’s Book of Martyrs) and something stirs so deep in me that LONGS for that type of devotion to Jesus to be seen in America today, and yet I’m unwilling to let that devotion cost me something??
I do pray for my brothers’ safety, I would be remiss and unloving not to. I must also begin praying that God changes my heart toward Him so that my desire would be that He be glorified in all things, and that He is loving and good and just, and He is my hope in all things.
God, please change my heart in this!
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