Grace

I’ve been without a job for six weeks now, and at this point, am completely humbled, broken, and in all ways I can think of, desperate.   I have been more open minded to receive counsel than I have ever been, because God has given me the grace to realize that what I’ve been doing hasn’t been working, and that I need help to get past this stage in life.

I have sold my couch, my X-Box 360, all of my computer books, some of my Christian Living type books, Bible study books, even my Harry Potter books (Mom, go ahead and catch your breath now…).  So, I’ve sold pretty much everything I’d actually like to keep.  A few days ago, my parents emailed me and asked me to come over to talk for a while.  This didn’t sound like a “when you have time to come visit, that’d be great” type of invitation, so I packed up my laptop and headed from the Starbucks I was at in north Dallas and drove to my parents’ house in Mesquite…thank God there wasn’t traffic.   I arrived at their place and my step-dad, Bob, and I began talking.  My parents decided it would be a good idea for me to move in with them and pay them rent for a few months once I found a job…and it was made pretty clear that I didn’t have all that much time to find one either.  This would help me with a place to live, and give them some more room to move financially as well.

I started applying for all of the jobs I swore I’d never do again; waiting tables, fast food, even mowing yards.  So here I am, at age 27, moving back in with my parents, and looking for jobs that someone in their first years of college would be looking for.  This isn’t necessarily humiliating, but it is most definitely humbling.  Throughout the past few days, Bob and I have been having some conversations (which have been more like counseling sessions, really) about the type of jobs I should be looking for, where he thinks I should go first, what areas, etc.  During one of these conversations, he asked me why I was reluctant to apply at some of the nicer restaurants that would bring me more money in tips, or at one of the computer places he had mentioned.  My response was simple, “I don’t think I’m good enough”.

Bob helped me realize that the implications of that simple statement are huge, though.  I’ve waited tables for three years in the past, I may be out of practice, but I haven’t forgotten how to wait tables.  I may not know enough to be elite at the computer place, but I’ve proven more than once that once I’m in the door at a company, or a computer class, that I learn fast, and often teach myself or am proactive in getting someone to teach me, so that I can get ahead faster.  So, what was I afraid of?  Why had I convinced myself that I couldn’t handle it?  Why did I think I wasn’t good enough?  I had convinced myself that I was truly starting completely over, and throwing out all of my past experiences along the way.

So many times, when we fall, when we do things that break God’s heart, when we just can’t take it anymore and run for the hills, when we give in to that habitual sin one more time…we think that we have to start all over.  We think that in order for God to accept us again, we have to completely rebuild the foundation of the Gospel in our lives, and start from scratch.

This isn’t the case though.  God’s grace allows us the opportunity to repent, to change the way we think, without having to start all over again.  We already have a foundation in Christ; we already have at least some knowledge of Scripture; we already have a church we are connected with in community (and if not, find one).  Why do we think we have to start over from the beginning?

I believe it is because, at some level, we still believe that salvation is something we have to try to earn the right to have.  However, Scripture teaches us, in several places (start with the book of Romans), that salvation isn’t something we can earn.  It is given freely by God’s grace.  By the sacrifice Christ paid on the cross, God’s grace allows us to get on our knees, ask for forgiveness, and continue walking with God where we left off.  We may have to change how we think, ask God to change our affections so that He is uppermost in our affections, or ask Him to give us the ability to better live according to our affections for Him.  We don’t start completely over though.

Just like I had to learn to think differently about where I apply for work, but not throw out the experiences that have made me grow in the past, as Christians, we must also do the same when we stumble in our walk with God.  Retain the experiences, Bible study, prayer life, and worship that have made us grow in the past, pick up where we left off, and ask God to help us change the way we think, what we love most, and how we live out the Gospel in our daily lives.  Then we pick up where we left off before we did whatever it was, and we move forward by and in God’s grace.