It’s been a few days since I’ve written anything. It feels like much longer. I don’t know if it was because I’ve been so busy the past couple days, or if I just haven’t had anything to say. What I know is that somehow the days when I don’t write just feel different.
I don’t know if it’s because I’ve built an identity around writing, despite trying really hard not to, or if it’s become a form of worship for me. What I do know is that the days when I have words to put in this space, I feel like I’m doing what I should be doing. The days when I don’t, I feel like I’m missing out on something important. That I’m letting myself and readers down. I know I’m not, but I can’t escape the feeling that if I don’t write that I’m missing out on something.
I honestly don’t know whether it’s because I feel closer to God when I read and think and pray and write, or if I simply like the validation in seeing blog stats which indicate that people thought my blog was at least worth a click from Twitter or Google.
What I do know, in the midst of all the confusion in my heart about this, is that the gospel is my anchor. The gospel is my hope as I sort all of this out. The gospel is what makes this and will continue to make this space a place of worship for me. The gospel will be what corrects my heart if I find that I have made writing into a false identity – into an idol. Reminding myself that I am His is what sustains me on the days I don’t feel as close.
Maybe the felt distance over the past couple days is His grace toward me, allowing me to stay hungry and thirsty for more of Him. Not just more words to put on a page.