A couple days ago, I wrote about the need to be intentional concerning our spiritual maturity. That night, I had the usual round of home group for the week, which left me flying from work to get home to try to get a run in (which didn’t happen) and then get food (which definitely happened) before group. When I get home after the normal Monday’s insanity, I usually watch an hour or so of TV to unwind…lately Torchwood or Doctor Who, and previously Firefly. Maybe it was talking about the Holy Spirit’s guidance in home group, maybe I was pressed to practice what I preach, or maybe I just felt like a change of pace, but I felt that I needed to slow down and be intentional and make time for God outside of regularly scheduled events.
So, I turned on Pandora to the Praise and Worship channel, crossing my fingers and hoping I wouldn’t be disappointed with their music selections. A few songs in and Word of God Speak by Mercy Me began playing…and invading my heart.
You see, the reality is that for the past few months, ever since I broke up with my girlfriend, I’ve basically been in survival mode. Yes, it was the right decision, but that left me with one thought “Just keep moving forward. Don’t stop and feel the pain yet.” I think part of that is normal, but part of that is also dangerous, because when you begin to harden your heart toward pain, you can’t limit that hardening to only pain. It affects every part of your life.
And then it hit:
I’m finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice
The reality is that all of my efforts to medicate, all of my attempts at avoiding the pain of being alone, all of my trying to avoid the frustration of being alone only served to push me further away from that which I needed most: To feel God’s presence and closeness again. I was at an Acts 29 Boot Camp a while back when I heard Matt Carter say that he asks one question to those he interviews for ministry positions, “When was the last time the gospel made you weep?” If I had to answer that question last night, the only thing I could say would have been “I don’t know. Months?”
It had been months since I felt the gospel wage war on my heart, pressing me to become like Christ and to lay down my life for the kingdom. It had been months since I realized and felt the sufficiency of Christ. It had been months since I wanted to feel it. I was tired. I was tired of sacrificing. Tired of spiritual surgery. Tired of sanctification. I know I’m not alone, we all get there at some point. Yet, it was His kindness when I least deserved it that lead me to repentance once again.
When was the last time the gospel made you weep? When was the last time you felt you could honestly say Jesus was enough?